Whether you’re still perfecting your downward dog or are well on your way to a teaching certification, we’re going to go out on a limb and assume that you’ve seen the following nine people in pretty much all of your yoga classes.
This person can go one of two ways. Either she shows up in running shorts, a T-shirt, and a vaguely terrified expression, or she’s decked out in a matching outfit and projecting a confidence you haven’t seen since you last watched The Bachelorette. The former will leave class content and pleasantly surprised at her ability to touch her toes, while the latter will hold back tears as she silently vows never to return (while publicly stating that “yoga is just not for me”).
The Teacher’s Pet
Want a spot in the front row? Good luck squeezing your mat next to this eager beaver who treats the instructor like the next Dalai Lama. What she lacks in yogic ability she makes up for in a peripheral knowledge of Sanskrit and an exhaustive Rolodex of turmeric-based recipes. She was the kid in school who always reminded the teacher to assign homework. In this case, she’s the one who reminded the teacher you didn’t pay $3 to rent a mat.
The Social Butterflies
Whether they’re giggling through happy baby or not so subtly whispering about the hot guy two rows back, these former sorority sisters will make their presence known. One of them has a lifestyle blog called “Chit Chat & Chaturanga,” and the other has the word wanderlust in her Instagram bio. Both had tickets to Fyre Festival.
The Token Guy
So this is who Lululemon makes men’s clothes for. Noted. While you don’t know what this dude does for a living (urban farmer? Artist-slash-craft Kombucha brewer?), you do know he has an “I’m with Her” bumper sticker and a favourite Zadie Smith novel (it’s White Teeth).
She’s better than the teacher, and she knows it. She takes every advanced modification and still somehow looks bored. She seems wise like an owl and bendy like a rag doll. One day we hope to be her, but for now we’ll settle for raging jealousy.
The Party Girl
She is hungover and doesn’t care who knows it – and everyone knows it. See: smudged eyeliner and mascara. You’re truly flabbergasted (and you never use that word) that she can manage a headstand but not at all surprised when, after class, she suggests everyone get mimosas together.
The Golden Oldie
This woman is 80 years old and 80 times better than you at every single pose. She has wiry grey hair and spent a few years in her 20s in a group that was later classified as a cult. One of her sons is the aforementioned token male, while the other is an investment banker with whom she has a strained relationship. You assume she went to Woodstock and engaged in torrid affairs within the Vermont beekeeping scene. She drives a Subaru.
And no, we don’t mean poser as in “person doing yoga poses.” This gal does yoga for everything but the practice. She cares more about how she looks than how she’s doing in class; you know this because she hasn’t stopped staring at herself in the mirror. Her clothes are perfectly coordinated and probably cost more than your nicest outfit, and… uh-oh, is that a fresh blowout we see? (Of course it is.